I didn’t see this entry until you mentioned it.

And, now I can’t help but cry everytime I read this post. I never would imagine you would say such words to me or even think it? :'(

I am sorry you feel this poorly about me. I did not just fall idley in love with Jarred. It certainly wasn’t like that. It happened quickly but it wasn’t done intentionally. I know that you and I haven’t been in a relationship for months, so please stop saying I cheated on you. I still had and have to this day feelings for you Apollo that I can’t help, but that doesn’t immediately make me a cheater for actually being with someone I truly care about just like I cared about you. Of course, my feelings for him are different than how I feel about you. I would never sleep with anyone unless I LOVED THEM. I don’t even believe a relationship should be soley based on sex, it does need good REAL communication and affection as well as physical love and attachment. I never got to hang out with you or go out to dinner as I have with Jarred. I enjoy it. But, that is something you can’t give me.

I don’t think Jarred understand how things are supposed to work because he’s never been in a relationship. I admit that him and I went too fast and too soon and for that I am guilty but I did not do those things with him for attention but out of pure love as I had for you. I could never compare what we had with this, obviously, because it was the most wonderful experience of my life. I loved being with you and I will never forget what it was like to kiss you for the first time and the sensational feeling it gave me. :'(

Do you know how hard it is for me to come to realization that I simply cannot to be with you? It hurts. more than I can imagine. Do you know how long it would take to make a relationship like this work? No, it’s not that simple as you and me working together, it involves money, plans, and me holding off on my college education (which will take years, I can’t afford to wait). Not only that I don’t think you would be in the right position to be with me period with your jobless situation. I am sorry I can’t put all my attention on a relationship such as this as I have in the past. It cost me to fail in college and a few times in highschool as all my focus was on you. I am not blaming that on you, but on the relationship itself. I care about you. God, do you know how many hours I’ve spent talking to you online all these years? I love you!

Another point I must make is that a relationship should not rely on only AIM. That’s all we’ve really had for the past 8 months. I can’t stand it. Even when we do talk on the phone you hardly say much — it’s always me on the other line doing the talking.I can’t even fucking see you on webcam not since last November due to the circumstances you are in.

I am not pushing you away. I always want to be close to you, but as a friend for now. I cannot believe the words I am reading in this entry and that you we accuse me of being so cruel as I have not been that way at all. I never want to hurt you and I am sorry you feel this way. I love you more than anything in this world. I hope you know that because it is the truth. I am not lying.