An Illness

Sunday night when I returned home from work was one of the most awful nights I’ve ever experienced. I went to sleep and an hour later I emptied my stomach entirely onto my bedroom floor. Three more times that night I was sick, often kneeling in the midst of it. I hadn’t been seriously sick like this for at least 10 years, so it was shocking. Monday I called in sick and spent no more than 15 minutes at a time out of bed. I simply could not move any more, no matter how much I willed otherwise. I was entirely drained of energy and ached all over. I managed to get some nourishment down, and then slept the night away. Tuesday I had a lot more energy and, although I still hurt tremendously, decided to go to work. I was pleasantly surprised at my recovery time, though that quick passing of the illness suggests a food poisoning that I can’t quite pinpoint. I am left at the end of this ordeal with a deep gratitude for my persistant good health. I can happily accept an abnormality like this in light of my usual steadiness. To be so crippled reminded me of the tremendous responsibility I have to benefit the world while I’m able. In a way, I’m thankful for the pain and terribleness of it all. It was such a challenge to just sit with the helplessness and pain in a meditative way, but that is something I feel is very important. To face suffering and even death without turning away is so vital to freeing ourselves. “Neti, Neti. Oh fuck, that hurts! Neti, Neti.”