* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* One good turn gets most of the blankets.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
* Life is sexually transmitted.
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* What has four legs and an arm? … A happy pit bull terrier.
* Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
* I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
* I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
* Mental floss prevents moral decay.
* A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
* If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
* It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
* Budget: A method for going broke methodically.