[Pencil | & | Leaves]

I actually wrote this post in a physical journal… It seemed to flow out very naturally that way… I think I’ll try to write in it more often, and then possibly post them on here… it’s a thought…

I’m missing Ashley and it seems so unbearable to be without her. I truly am in love with her.
In addition to not being able to talk to her, the weight of this term’s classes coming to an end is bringing me down even further. As much as I’d like to push it all aside and say it’s merely because of the past, of never having to try in highschool to get A’s, but it still all points to my complacency now. I can’t defend how lazy I’ve been, or my procrastination. It is all my fault and I must take the blame that is due. If I have another chance I have to put a full 100% into it. I will not allow myself to continue down this road, for it will never lead me to where I want to be.
What do I want in life? The foremost in my mind is to be with Ashley and to make her happy. Everything else would be meaningless to me if I could do that. I do also want to be successful, to have a career, to make enough money to live happily, and to remain a good friend to all of the people I count as mine. I don’t think it’s an overly high expectation for anyone.
In order to do that, to deserve that life and to achieve it, I need to work harder, remove anything that isn’t helping in some way from my life. I must get rid of the wastes of time, discard my doubts about what I can do, and become who I want to be. I know that I can be successful, I’ve given absolute proof of that to myself many times, I just haven’t done so as often as I should lately.
Sure, I could trace most of the academic problems back to certain time periods, certain external factors, but I know I can’t undo the past and I need to take the proper steps right now. To stop procrastination I can’t act with a will that includes it. Though it’s long overdue, I really will change, to truly turn my life around, really become capable of everything I know I should be, to become who I know I am.
I can’t let myself and those I love down by not changing. I’ll forget the past, remember it’s lessons, make a new start, like I should have done eight months ago. To take up the knowledge I have gained, keep my admirable, core qualities and discard the rest. I have a week to turn my school life around, four months to turn my whole self around, and a lifetime to strive towards my goals, my dreams and my fate.