I’m in love with a most wonderful person, I have friends who, though I don’t see them often enough, are among some of the most caring and insightful people you will ever meet(if you are lucky enough to have that blessing), I have a family close-knit and full of good people. I have access to great books and great music. I live in the greatest province in the greatest country on earth. I am incredibly lucky to have all this and much more that I overlook.
I have, however, some negative things in my life. My bank account is drying up as the school year is drawing to a close(just 2 months left). As we all are, I’m faced with a war about to begin and feeling powerless to stop a madman, Evil Dictator Bush, from commiting countless murders. Any of you who read my journal know that it does bother me a lot. I know history. I can recognize a Hitler or a Stalin when I see one! I’m not very happy with my current position in regards to education. I lack motivation and I have for both years I have been here. It’s not the location, for I love being in Halifax. I don’t enjoy classes, I really don’t. Why continue then? I’m not sure. I guess I feel that I would let people down. That’s on half of it… and the other is that I have no clue what else I could do that would give me an eventual career that I could be comfortable with, or that I would be good at. And honestly, no career I could actually aquire is going to bring me happiness. Just as money can never bring someone happiness(it can aid in finding it, and make life so much easier, but it isn’t the answer itself), neither will a viable career bring that to me.
What do I want to be doing? I would love to write professionally. Or I should say artistically, since business and journalistic writing does not appeal to me much at all. I lack the real skills necessary to make any sort of living from that, though.
I would like to be a photographer. I enjoy taking photos of almost anything. I don’t even own a decent camera, nor do I have any training with one.
What will make me happy? The answer is people. The people I love and care for make me happy unlike anything else in life. Love is undenyably the only really important thing in life. You can be empty with anything else the world can hold, but without love a life is worth nothing. And having love makes you full, you could have nothing but love and be happy, and I know I would give up anything or everything for those I love.
The only goal I have right now that means anything to me is to be with Ashley. She means more to me than anything. She is happiness and the deepest love. The week we spent together in December was unlike any other week of my life. I was completely happy, I really was, and I know any future time with her will hold the same fullness. Completeness… that’s what it is to be with someone you love with all your heart and soul. I guess it’s something you can’t fathom until you feel it. Everything outside those moments stops mattering, and you can see all else as insignificant. And outside and inside those moments, you would do anything, risk anything to keep the source of that completeness safe. Failing that is sharp pain.
So everything I do, I do because I want to build a future that will include Ashley. Whatever it takes is what I will do, because I know I will not be happy otherwise.
Staying sane is part of this, I assure you. I try my best in that area… I don’t get out much, I don’t have many breaks from school work… When I do go to see a concert or see my friends it’s to keep that balance and remain mentally healthy. I do dislike that out of necessity I’ve not spent much time with my friends since I started university… I haven’t met a single person here who has the same fine qualities that my dearest friends who are now(or always have been) scattered far and wide have.
Funny how when I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with who I am, I’m not happy with the people around me. The personal growth I’ve seen in the last 2 years has been really amazing, but now that the cocoon is discarded, I need to change the world, reconnect with the people that matter and maintain and strengthen the relationships most dear to me.
I’ve been writing and writing… will anyone read this? I don’t think it matters. I needed to write, just like I always do. One set of eyes falling upon this makes it worth while.
24 comments on “blank”
i read it…*hugs*
aw, thanks
*hugs back*
I remember those days when I felt the same way.. Having to include someone that was never there :\ But I have faith in you and Ashley.. Your relationship it truly unique. And many of us including myself and some times blinded by that want of having such a relationship!
Anyway, How are you? I’m great 🙂 I’m extremely happy. Other then the fact that OI’m annoyed with the fashious we have a president. I say we …. …. … ….@!!#@$ :D~
It’s really not any dissatisfaction with my relationship with Ashley. It’s really wonderful. It’s more the other things in my life that make things hard and that will keep me from being with her, when there is absolutely nothing I want more.
Well, I’m alright, but as this post said, a bit dejected.
I’ll assume “…. …. … ….@!!#@$” translates into “assassinate that soulless son of a bitch”. Am I right? 😉
that’s sweet 🙂
yeah ;\
Of course 😀 We think alike!
woo! If only that old adage was right. “Great minds think alike”? Mine’s far from great. Yours may be though… hmm…
mine’s far from great.. it’s more like hardly there.
I have a feeling that more than one set of eyes will fall on these words. And please know that, even when you’re feeling not happy, you will always have people that love you. No matter how far they are physicaly- that doesnt matter. You’re lucky to have so many people who love you, and just keep in mind that you may never know just how much they do love you.
Like you said, love is all you really need, and you have tonnes.
Thank you April, that really means a lot to me.
I’m well aware how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people who love me(it’s truly bewildering).
And I certainly value your friendship very much. You’ve always been a good friend, and I know I can always count on you.
damn straight. you can count on me for anything.
woo, so when I ask for millions of dollars you can deliver?
I’ve been writing and writing… will anyone read this? I don’t think it matters. I needed to write, just like I always do. One set of eyes falling upon this makes it worth while.
Exactly. Write for you, not us. 🙂
But when one writes(or speaks) it should never be entirely for oneself. There is always an audience.
Otherwise you are just talking to yourself. That’s usually a bad sign. 😉
True. But if you write to your audience, you are not truly expressing yourself. You should be writing for yourself, at least in a journal. Your audience becomes secondary.
To quote a great commercial, “the media is the message” 😉
True expression doesn’t rely on ignoring audience, but expressing truth(in this case my feelings) in a way that the audience can understand. That’s one reason why old fairytales have such a resonating impact on people’s lives. The message can be complex, but the language is on the audience can understand.
I could write using words only I can understand, coding everything, but it wouldn’t mean anything, because there would not be the chance that others would understand as well, and that’s part of expression, ensuring it is understood.
I believe we are arguing two different things, here.
I am stating that it is my belief that when you write in your journal, you should write for yourself, no one else. As in, the audience is yourself. You are right, there is always an audience. But it does not *need* to be other people, not if your intension is solely self expression for personal reasons. People who write in paper journals but never share them with ANYONE are writing in this fashion. Sort of the ‘you are your own worst critic’ idea.
You are arguing that in all writing, there is an audience. But I don’t agree that your journal needs one other than yourself. However, if you wish to use your journal in a way that is written specifically for a public audience, you are of course free. Being that it is your journal, it is up to you to decide if it needs an audience or not. 😉
That having been said, I would say that in 99 percent of cases, online journals do, by their very nature, have public audiences. It just isn’t necessary to write in them as if there is one. If you want to write gibberish that only you understand, and only you can read, well, that’s up to you. You’ve expressed yourself to yourself. Doesn’t mean you’ll have many readers, though. 😛
Oh, and the quote from McLuhan is actually ‘the medium is the message’. That advertisement is an oversimplification of his theories, but hey, what else can you expect from a Heritage Canada commerical? 😛
Oh, and the quote from McLuhan is actually ‘the medium is the message’.
I realized that just as I posted the comment and walked to the kitchen. In the hall I heard(in my mind, not through coincidence from the tv(which is always off anyway)) the actor’s voice saying “medium” and realized I had misquoted. But no good comment can begin with “To quote a great commercial”, no matter the amount of sarcasm coating the words, anyway.
Well, I always need to write to share things. I usually have clear enough thoughts that I don’t need to write with myself as the audience, as I feel that is redundant in a way. I guess what I was trying to say is that in a sense I need an audience(be it immediate or eventual) for my words to have meaning. I can’t write to myself(though always for myself, because there is that need for external expression that thoughts don’t provide) because I know my stories and emotions already. I think that is how we confused what each other was saying. “but it wouldn’t mean anything” should have been worded more accurately as “but it wouldn’t mean anything to me“. And again in my previous comment “But when one writes(or speaks) it should never be entirely for oneself.” should have been “entirely to oneself”. And then that doesn’t really address your comment anyway, so I’m sorry. Blame it on my hasty writing(brought on by the need to have a sandwich before sleeping).
There is a difference in “writing for oneself” and “writing to oneself” in my mind. All writing is in the “for” category since there is always some outcome we wish to achieve for ourselves, otherwise the words would never come to be in the first place. Very few works can be entirely in the “to” category because I think there is usually at least some sense of an outside audience(perhaps giving a framework to those secret or at least guarded thoughts which take form only in a personally viewed work, the very act of writing to oneself being formed as a reaction against or following the guidelines of writing to someone else(in other words, writing to an audience that is not there at all, but still influences the words(for instance, the act of addressing a diary as a friend or confidant, writing “dear diary”, defines an audience which is purely imaginary, for paper can not itself understand the words))).
Now that was a nice big waste of words 😉
sorry for the mistakes again. I’m too tired to write clearly it seems. Goodnight
Hey, thanks for taking my poll. 🙂 I think its going to be really interesting to see what people say about this in that context. Not that a poll of that sort hasn’t been done before, but eh, I’m doing one too, so there! 😛
Feel free to direct others you know to take it if you want… the more answers, the more fun. 🙂
Apollo you have been a great friend to me over the time I have known you, and I read every word you’ve ever written in your journal. You are probably among the best people I know and to think that anything is causing you pain is pain to me.
I have had the worst night ever, and am feeling like everyone I know has been lying to me… but the one thing I know is that you are real… and you don’t lie to me.
When I told you what I told you thursday afternoon, you didn’t judge me, and though I was feeling like the lowest form of human life, you made me feel better…
And that’s not even the point. the point is, if you feel depressed and stuff, I’ll always be there for you like you were there for me… and no matter what I’ll care fir you and consider you among your best friends no matter how often we see each other.
You are very special to me, and I need you to know that. Out of anyone I know, you are the one person I would believe if they told me the sky was neon pink. But maybe you just need to be depressed for a while… let things go through your mind, and maybe go a little insane… sometimes that’s all that anyone needs… but in the end, know that there are people who love you that are going to be there for you, while you’re insane, and after you’re back to normal again.
I adore you. You are a great person and if you feel like being sad.. be sad… Take time to make up your mind… Don’t care if people will be disappointed… all that matters is that you are not.
Hey, do me a favor… Listen to the song, I’ll Stand By You by the Pretenders. If you don’t have it, download it. Listen to the words, because I, and a few other people I can think of (ashley being the main one) would love to have written the lyrics to that song for you.
“when you’re standing at the crossroads, don’t know which way to choose, let me come along… cause even if you’re wrong… I’ll stand by you”
Love you Apollo. Have a good sleep
Reading that did make me feel better. Thank you for writing it. I means a lot to me.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to talk to you last night after whatever happened… I hope we can talk today about it if you need to. You have my word, I will never lie to you.
I’m glad I could make you feel better on Thursday. I’ll always be there for you, and it’s certainly comforting to know you will be there for me too. You really are a great friend, one of the very best I have.
I’m already a lot insane, so I know I don’t need to “go a little insane” or maybe I just need to get less insane and go back to being “a little insane”.
lol I already had that song filed away in the jukebox of my mind 😉 I just put in a quarter and presto.
You rock Silly. Thanks.
no problem hun!
we’ll talk soon
I can never be sure what the solution for someone else. I have found that is is a good general practice to get rid of what is bothering you. I don’t know your parents that well, but I know enough about them to say that they wouldn’t be dissapointed if you quit University. I can almost gaurentee that they want you to be happy and you to continue down a path that will help you attain happiness. As for me I know one thing that would make me dissapointed, that is if you live your life not doing what you want. If that includes you going through University then so be it. If not I am okay with that too. Heck look at me. I will probably never go to university. I will be quite happy making guitars. It took me untill I was 21 to figure out what I want to do. Our lives should never follow any one elses time table.
Take your time making decisions. You still have tons of life ahead of you. And if any says anything different to you, remember I am the enforcer deciple 😉
Thanks Sascha, it means a lot to know I can count on you and that I can count you among my friends.
I hope I can find the right answer.