It shouldn’t be a surprise that my relationship with Ashley has been rocky as of late. I haven’t felt comfortable telling about the problems here, and I’m still not entirely sure how much to share and with who. This’ll likely by a disciple-only entry.
The necessary distance, financial situations and some other factors have lead to Ashley and I having a lot of conflict. I have to take responsibility for the aspects I caused. I took too long in beginning a search for a job. I put it off until December, and I have to acknowledge that was a huge mistake. I know it’s been a cause of tension and Ashley’s belief that I haven’t done enough for our relationship. I have been neglectful in some respects, and I’m sincerely sorry for that. I’ve allowed our conflicts to snowball by not addressing them as openly as I should have when they initially surfaced.
I am now working very hard to remedy my mistakes and I hope Ashley will be able to recognize that effort in time. I hope to be able to salvage our relationship and be able to work to make it stronger. I hope Ashley will be willing to do so as well. Essentially, I hope.
I’ve grown up a lot in the time I’ve known Ashley. I attribute a lot of that to her influence, which has been largely a positive one. I can’t discount the influence my disciples have had, though. You’ve been great friends and helped in many ways you may not realize. I’m quite confident I’m becoming a better person, and have grown in many aspects of my life. I have a long way to go, but I’m on the path. Ashley, however, believes I have changed in a negative way. I can’t see that at all, and I believe I am growing positively. Am I wrong in that?
Even if our relationship should fail, I will still love her very much, of course. I’m extremely worried about her because she has developed an eating disorder and has been deteriorating especially quickly recently. It frightens me so much to see her going down this path and to have so little I can do to stop her. I don’t want her to end up killing herself or to become completely trapped by the disease. That could do nothing but break my heart. I’ve tried to help her as much as I can and will continue to do all I can, but it’s extremely frustrating and heartbreaking to be so helpless. I feel so exhausted each time I try to help Ashley, and it’s worn me down constantly to see her in such pain.
I would share more, but this will have to do as a first step. I’d really appreciate any advice or support any of you can offer. If I’ve ever needed any, it’s now.
10 comments on ““How Can You Steal Their Smiles?””
I can’t really offer you advise, but I can offer you support. While I agree your job search likely should have started sooner, I don’t see how you have changed in a negative way. I don’t really know though. You seem like a great person to me. I don’t know what to say beyond that.
I wish these comments had an editing feature.
I would like to add that it sounds like a lot of the blame is being placed on you and that is not fair. Yes you could have taken steps to be a more stable person financially, but it also isn’t your job to take care of anyone financially other than yourself. I don’t believe the blame lies with either one of you soley, but the current situation you are in with the relationship was contributed to by each of you.
Yeah, and placing blame helps no one. Solutions and positive actions now are all that matters.
I know that you meditate, and this is something you should consider. It works for me, but not everyone is able to do it. You need to look at yourself objectively, as if you were a stranger. What do you do every day? How do you treat people? Do you act differently around certain people? Why do you do and say certain things? How do they affect you and those around you? It’s the only way you will be able to see if there’s any truth to the “change” Ashley mentioned, and if after this you still believe she is wrong, maybe you will be able to see why she believes you have changed, even if you haven’t actually done so.
As for her eating disorder, that is definitely something that can’t be ignored. Is she getting professional help? Don’t try to take the responsibility of it onto yourself because there’s not much you can do except support her. She needs to work out her issues herself.
I hope this helps. Sorry I disappeared for so long. Will post an update to my own relationship situation.
*big psycho hug*
I have delved into that to an extent. I know I have changed, but I haven’t been able see the change in a negative light. The main problem is that I’ve been so focused on trying to get a job and improve my situation here, and I have in some ways been neglectful because of that. I’ve recognized it and done what I can to make ammends, but with just a week left to find a job I really need to continue my focus. In general I think I treat people quite well. I always try to think of others, I never do anything I believe is hurtful unless it is necessary (such as confronting Ashley about her eating disorder). I do act a bit differently around certain people. It’s mostly a matter of comfort, but certain people breed different states. My roommates, for instance, bring out my joking and jovial side, while my closer friends I’m usually more serious around. The change I’ve undergone in the past year have mostly made me a more compassionate and aware of myself and those around me. I really do believe that to be wholly positive. I do see my situational changes as detrimental though.
Ashley isn’t seeking professional help because she says her family can’t afford it right now. Her family has gone through a lot recently, including her brother being convicted on drug charges and one of her grand parents being very ill. I do reel the need to be active in helping Ashley with this, because I can’t stand to see her go on a path that very well could kill her. I will of course support her, and I really hope she can take the steps she needs to in order to get better.
I understand that you needed to “disappear” for a while. I missed you, but I’m sure you needed that time.
*giant psycho hug*
You sound very emotionally healthy to me, so maybe it’s some sort of projection; Ashley changed in the negative but instead of accepting it in herself, she says the one that changed negatively was you. I’m just speculating here, of course; I’m not a doctor.
As for professional help, isn’t there some sort of government-run agency that could help Ashley? It’s worth looking into.
Please keep me posted.
*multiple psycho hugs and kisses*
PS: Good luck with the job hunt!
I really don’t know what government agencies might be available to help Ashley. She first needs to accept that she needs help though.
Ashley broke up with me again yesterday. She cited the physical distance and my inability to either move to be with her or her to move here as the main reasons. It was quite a hurtful couple of hours on her part, but I’m more wprried about her and how she might harm herself than any of the pain this has caused me.
Thanks for the well wishes. I think I’ll need all the luck I can get.
*beaucoup d’étreintes et baisers psychopathes pour vous*
(forgive my rusty French)
Ashley won’t feel right in a relationship until she feels better about herself. Trust me on this one; it’s one of the reasons I broke up with Omar. More so than the things he was doing, it was the way he made me feel bad about myself. From a psychology book I just read, I interpreted that I had put my self-worth in his hands, and that was why it was so easy for him to hurt me, whether or not he meant to. Ashley has to figure out whose hands she placed her self-worth in and “take it back”, symbolically attaching more importance to her own opinions of herself than the opinions of others. Then she has to work on seeing how wonderful she is as a person, let go of the false guilt she has put on herself (easier said than done, I know), and stop sending herself negative messages.
Serious problems like what Ashley’s going through usually have far more to do with some imagined guilt that we project onto ourselves than with the actual events in our lives that are usually out of our control or not our responsibility. I had food issues in middle school. When I first came down here from the States I was chubby and had left no friends behind because “everybody hated me”. I thought if I was skinny, these new kids in Puerto Rico would like me more, so I never ate lunch and usually skipped breakfast as well. It wasn’t extreme, but it wasn’t a healthy way to lose weight, especially for an anemic. I lost the weight over a period of about a year, but mostly because I was a growing 12 year old. Not eating actually slows the metabolism. I also ended up with hypoglycemia and a hernia in my esophagus that still plague me nearly 12 years later. I knew what anorexia was; I had read a book about it when I was 10; and as soon as I saw I was starting to do something I had sworn would never happen to me, I managed to pull out of it. Ashley will suffer long-term physical consequences from this. She needs to realize that. Also, her issue has probably nothing at all to do with her weight, she only thinks it does. It could be that she’s trying to punish herself for something, real or imagined. That’s why she should seek professional help, to find the real issue and try to resolve it.
Thank you for the many Psycho kisses and hugs. (My French is simply aaaawful, but I can usually understand what I’m reading.)
*Psycho hugs and kisses for you and an extra hug for Ashley*
I really hope that Ashley will be able to work on the change you mentioned. I wish there was more I could do to help her, but I realize it’s something she’ll need to discover herself.
I have a dear friend – and disciple – who has an eating disorder, and I’ve learned a lot about their dangers and dynamics from her. If I didn’t have that I don’t know if I would be as understanding about it all.
I don’t know if the E.D. is so much punishment as a control issue. From what I know of her family, they can be quite demanding of her, and the E.D. may be a reaction to that and other factors. No matter what it may be, I do think she needs to get help.
*Psycho hugs and kisses, plus a chocolate chip pancake*
Thanks for the comment.
Yeah, there’s no way to deny that waiting to start the job search was a mistake, and I’ve never tried to.