A decade can render some memories foggy and fragmented and others lost entirely. Somehow, we don’t always remember the most meaningful moments, but rather odd things that one might think of as trivial and non-formative. From my childhood I remember a lot of choices I viewed then as mistakes more than I remember triumphs (and I must have had quite a few, being at the head of my class during that time). My greatest challenges and what I thought of as failures were social ones, for I was bullied and picked on to a large extent during my elementary school years and developed what I would later deem to be a form of social anxiety.
I went to a rather small elementary school, with under 100 total students, and around a dozen in my own grade. As I mentioned, I was picked on quite a lot, and had oscillating relationships with my peers. I was different, from my red hair to my grades, so I was an easy person to single out. This lead me to be quite awkward socially.
For the second half of my time at that school (grades 4-6) I had a severe crush on two girls in my class. The one that was likely strongest was on a girl named Becky. Becky was the smartest and prettiest girl in my class and my only serious rival academically. To my young mind she was the ideal girl, full of strength, intelligence and beauty. Kira was a contrast to Becky, less successful academically, with a rougher, more rebellious aspect about her and physical features not as typically attractive to me. Still, I cared for both of them in my childish way, my silent, though perhaps obvious, infatuation shared equally among the two best friends.
If there’s one defining moment of my social behaviour at that point it’s the event I’m about to pull from my memories. One lunch hour I was standing on the asphalt basketball court behind the small red brick school when both Kira and Becky approached me. I stood there, with slight apprehension as one of them said, “Will you come to a movie with us this weekend?” My brain went into a chaotic mess of Wow, they just asked me to go with them to a movie, Is this a date I’m being asked on? A date with Kira and Becky? Am I dreaming? Wow! I don’t think I am, and I’m so nervous. I don’t know what to say or do or how to remove the redness from my face. Honesty came through as I somehow got out, “I – I can’t. I’m too shy.” No surer truth was ever spoken as far as I was concerned, but as they walked away I was devistated that I had not had the courage to accept their invitation. For days I thought on it, embarassed and kicking myself for losing out on the opportunity to fulfill what had been a pipe dream. I was sure I had blown my chance at romance with either of them.
An interesting trend in my life was how I developed infatuation for pairs of girls who were good friends. In all my public school years I never had a crush on just one girl. I was also always attracted to intelligence. One of the two girls was invariably one of the girls in my grade most gifted academically. I wonder if there’s any obvious psychological reason for that, or if I was simply polyamourous and drawn to brilliance naturally.
I went to a rather small elementary school, with under 100 total students, and around a dozen in my own grade. As I mentioned, I was picked on quite a lot, and had oscillating relationships with my peers. I was different, from my red hair to my grades, so I was an easy person to single out. This lead me to be quite awkward socially.
For the second half of my time at that school (grades 4-6) I had a severe crush on two girls in my class. The one that was likely strongest was on a girl named Becky. Becky was the smartest and prettiest girl in my class and my only serious rival academically. To my young mind she was the ideal girl, full of strength, intelligence and beauty. Kira was a contrast to Becky, less successful academically, with a rougher, more rebellious aspect about her and physical features not as typically attractive to me. Still, I cared for both of them in my childish way, my silent, though perhaps obvious, infatuation shared equally among the two best friends.
If there’s one defining moment of my social behaviour at that point it’s the event I’m about to pull from my memories. One lunch hour I was standing on the asphalt basketball court behind the small red brick school when both Kira and Becky approached me. I stood there, with slight apprehension as one of them said, “Will you come to a movie with us this weekend?” My brain went into a chaotic mess of Wow, they just asked me to go with them to a movie, Is this a date I’m being asked on? A date with Kira and Becky? Am I dreaming? Wow! I don’t think I am, and I’m so nervous. I don’t know what to say or do or how to remove the redness from my face. Honesty came through as I somehow got out, “I – I can’t. I’m too shy.” No surer truth was ever spoken as far as I was concerned, but as they walked away I was devistated that I had not had the courage to accept their invitation. For days I thought on it, embarassed and kicking myself for losing out on the opportunity to fulfill what had been a pipe dream. I was sure I had blown my chance at romance with either of them.
An interesting trend in my life was how I developed infatuation for pairs of girls who were good friends. In all my public school years I never had a crush on just one girl. I was also always attracted to intelligence. One of the two girls was invariably one of the girls in my grade most gifted academically. I wonder if there’s any obvious psychological reason for that, or if I was simply polyamourous and drawn to brilliance naturally.
13 comments on “First Crush”
I was singled out negatively, too. I was one of the top students and the only American for a long time. Hector came along 2 years later (when we were 14) from New Jersey and he’s significantly more brilliant than I am at Mathematics, though we’re about even otherwise as far as intellect is concerned. Everyone liked Hector, though. He was actually (and still is) embarrassed over the 800/800 he scored on the College Board exam.
Why does our generation make it a bad thing to be smart and do well in school? Hector and I both were guilty of not performing as well as we could academically so as not to be shunned.
Personally, my crush was on the biggest underachiever of the entire school; a boy named Moisés. I thought we’d at least be able to be friends until our Spanish teacher shouted at him, “Soto, you have a zero in this class. Why can’t you be more like Miss Santiago?” Ouch. At least he eventually learned not to hate me, but not until college.
I have a soft spot for the underdog. This has been my undoing more than once.
Why would someone be embarassed over a perfect score on a test? I mean, it’s good to be humble, but embarassment seems strange to me.
I don’t think our generation now looks down upon doing well in school. It was something limited to early school life for me, at least. By the time I reached high school it was admired.
I never underachieved in elementary or juniour high, but I felt unchallenged in high school and became a bit lazy during my last two years, being only in the top 15% of my grade rather than the top 5%.
I’ll likely share more about my later crushes in an entry sometime in the future. In juniour high my crushes were on two girls named Jenna and Alicia. Alicia was absolutely brillint, the class president, active in band and theatre, one of the smartest girls in the grade and overall a nice person. Jenna was more an average student in most respects, but still attractive to me.
I have a soft spot for girls I can’t ever be with. It’s never been an undoing for me, but it was certainly a frustration then.
Here in Puerto Rico, if you’re smart you’re a nerd and if you’re a nerd then you must be trying to become the Teacher’s Pet. Even in college people rejected me for having good grades.
This is going to sound weird, but it’s true. At first in college people thought that since I’m pretty I must be doing something else to get good grades (like sleeping with a professor for example). The fact that I had once dated a 40-something-year-old District Attorney played into that image that they had of me. The fact of the matter was, though, that the grades were all my own and that the reason I had gone out with that D.A. was that he was one of few people that I had been able to sustain an intelligent conversation with.
When they figured out that I wasn’t “sleeping my way to the top” (sorry for putting it so crudely), the other students started asking me to drop out of certain courses. “You’re ruining the curve. We’ll never pass this course with you here. Can’t you drop it and repeat it next semester?” I’m not that brilliant, but I love to learn and I pay attention and take notes; a rarity here. It’s not really a difference of intellect, but of focus and study habits.
Hector has this look to him… He’s tall, well built, looks like the type of person that thinks with his fists. Back in middle and high school, he was friends with nearly everybody. As long as he didn’t let his grades top everyone else’s people thought he was a really cool guy (which he is). When he scored 800/800 in Math on that exam, all the teachers made a big deal out of it and he was embarrassed because he hadn’t wanted anyone to know. He didn’t want to be classified a nerd. I had a 777 in English that was the top score in the school, so I was allowed to tease him about the 800. “Now every time you screw up, I’m going to say ‘That’s 800 in Math for ya.'”
I do appreciate intelligence, but I don’t judge based upon academic prowess alone. Some of the most brillaint people I’ve known haven’t done well in school. Kindness and wisdom are far more important to me.
I’m not attracted to unintelligent people, but I don’t believe in the notion that most people are below me in intellect, just have different knowledge and strength. One of the joys of relationships is discovering those.
I’m certainly someone who needs conversation and cogitation. Coitus is something I of course enjoy greatly and take care to do well, but is secondary to other considerations. Much bliss can still occur without it, I find.
I wonder how many shall stumble upon these two comments and need to seek out a dictionary. I have never heard the word coitus used in casual conversation.
My first name was Apollo. There were plenty of opportunities for name calling there, but mostly I got things related to the space ship. My last name was Lemmon. That didn’t help much either. An amicable name I received in juniour high school for a short time was “Spaceship Citrus”.
My shyness was compounded over time because of the bullying, so it was quite a spiral of lowered social ability.
I’ll likely share more about my later crushes in an entry sometime in the future. In juniour high my crushes were on two girls named Jenna and Alicia. Alicia was absolutely brillint, the class president, active in band and theatre, one of the smartest girls in the grade and overall a nice person. Jenna was more an average student in most respects, but still attractive to me.
The first person to ask me out I wasn’t truly attracted to and we didn’t have much in common. I was quite vulnerable at the time and somehow stayed with her for a year and a half. Looking back now I don’t really understand it.
In high school I finally started to develope true friends – some of which are still among my best friends today. I think I was fortunate to find those sorts of people. Interestingly, it was during that time that I felt unchallenged by school work and let my marks slip, no longer caring if I was in the top 5% of my grade.
I consider myself leagues ahead of where I was in high school. Every aspect of my life has improved since then and I’m very thankful for that.
Well, I don’t tend to view the romanticizing of words as a gander-based quality. I’m quite enraptured by words myself and know quite a few men likewise enchanted.
I don’t tend to actively seek out people. I find it better for me to allow natural connections to form. I suppose I’m not intimidating (though certainly not someone who attracts a lot of women), so that would leave that need for seeking confidence in intelligence less vital (though I appreciate non-arrogant, humble confidence).
I’m not sure. That’s possible, I suppose.
Oh, in that case I’m absolutely the same. I have romanced words all my life but not once romanced (or wished to romance) a man (and sadly few women).
No, you’re not pathetic. We’re all romancers of words here. Either we’re all pathetic or just lingasexual (I’m inventing new words!).
Yes, I’m aware of your troubles with public schools.
Your honors English classes may not count on your diploma, but you earned them none-the-less, and that’s what is most important, not a piece of paper.
Memories define and shape us. Our cells all die in a 7 year cycle – it’s our memories and souls that remain of who we are. Our bodies, afterall, are always changing and discarding parts.
I’m glad you enjoyed reading this post.
I had that same problem when I moved to Puerto Rico from Massachusetts, USA. The work I did in the 7th grade here felt like 5th and sometimes even 4th grade work. Even in college I still saw a lot of work that I had either done years before or had learned on my own through books.
I didn’t speak to anyone except in English for the entire first year that I was here. None of them could figure out how the “gringa” was getting the highest score in Spanish class if I couldn’t speak the language. I knew how; I just lacked confidence.
Another thing they rejected me for was a very pronounced limp. I had broken my leg the year before we moved here and one of my tendons (in spite of physical therapy) was too short. They called me “Saltamontes”; grasshopper. Kids are charming, huh?
All through high school, most people mostly talked to me if they wanted me to do their English homework. Since I was really poor, I started charging a nickel per paragraph. That didn’t help me get friends, of course, but at least I wasn’t being used completely.
By the 10th grade I only had 2 or 3 friends I could trust and the rest all thought I was sleeping with one of the student teachers. Even the other teachers thought it was true because I spent a lot of time with him. He was brilliant and honestly I rarely found anyone my own age that was capable of an intelligent conversation. They were all talking about sex and what a “slut” I was; I was generally with Ricardo talking about philosophy (his passion) or music (mine). One of life’s painful ironies.
I was insecure enough that I placed my self-worth in the hands of others all the time. I especially thought that the fact that I didn’t have a boyfriend meant there was something terribly wrong with me. Hector, who came here at age 14 from New Jersey, says that there were lots of guys that liked me but most of them were intimidated by me. The rest didn’t want to be involved with me because I was so unpopular, so I know how that feels, too. When Hector first told me this about 2 months ago, I didn’t believe him. My brother David confirmed it, though, and says many of his old friends have said to him (even recently) “I had such an awful crush on your sister back in school, but I didn’t have the guts to tell her”. And I thought I was worthless.
Life’s too short to think too much about what others think of you. I’ve had 3 boyfriends in my life; one abused me physically, two emotionally. I allowed them to measure my worth. I’ve stopped allowing that. I’m the only judge now. And I like myself.
I wish I could have lived near you in your earlier years and now. I know I would love to be your friend. It’s not fair that we have to be apart.
That would have been very nice, I’m sure.
It really is a shame we’re unable to be together.