First Crush

A decade can render some memories foggy and fragmented and others lost entirely. Somehow, we don’t always remember the most meaningful moments, but rather odd things that one might think of as trivial and non-formative. From my childhood I remember a lot of choices I viewed then as mistakes more than I remember triumphs (and I must have had quite a few, being at the head of my class during that time). My greatest challenges and what I thought of as failures were social ones, for I was bullied and picked on to a large extent during my elementary school years and developed what I would later deem to be a form of social anxiety.
I went to a rather small elementary school, with under 100 total students, and around a dozen in my own grade. As I mentioned, I was picked on quite a lot, and had oscillating relationships with my peers. I was different, from my red hair to my grades, so I was an easy person to single out. This lead me to be quite awkward socially.
For the second half of my time at that school (grades 4-6) I had a severe crush on two girls in my class. The one that was likely strongest was on a girl named Becky. Becky was the smartest and prettiest girl in my class and my only serious rival academically. To my young mind she was the ideal girl, full of strength, intelligence and beauty. Kira was a contrast to Becky, less successful academically, with a rougher, more rebellious aspect about her and physical features not as typically attractive to me. Still, I cared for both of them in my childish way, my silent, though perhaps obvious, infatuation shared equally among the two best friends.
If there’s one defining moment of my social behaviour at that point it’s the event I’m about to pull from my memories. One lunch hour I was standing on the asphalt basketball court behind the small red brick school when both Kira and Becky approached me. I stood there, with slight apprehension as one of them said, “Will you come to a movie with us this weekend?” My brain went into a chaotic mess of Wow, they just asked me to go with them to a movie, Is this a date I’m being asked on? A date with Kira and Becky? Am I dreaming? Wow! I don’t think I am, and I’m so nervous. I don’t know what to say or do or how to remove the redness from my face. Honesty came through as I somehow got out, “I – I can’t. I’m too shy.” No surer truth was ever spoken as far as I was concerned, but as they walked away I was devistated that I had not had the courage to accept their invitation. For days I thought on it, embarassed and kicking myself for losing out on the opportunity to fulfill what had been a pipe dream. I was sure I had blown my chance at romance with either of them.
An interesting trend in my life was how I developed infatuation for pairs of girls who were good friends. In all my public school years I never had a crush on just one girl. I was also always attracted to intelligence. One of the two girls was invariably one of the girls in my grade most gifted academically. I wonder if there’s any obvious psychological reason for that, or if I was simply polyamourous and drawn to brilliance naturally.

3 comments on “First Crush

  1. “To my young mind she was the ideal girl, full of strength, intelligence and beauty.”

    I definitely identify with that. I still go for woman who fit that description.

  2. Hey. Huge problem. I like a boy, but I'm not sure if he likes me. Another boy in school likes me and he won't leave me alone. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but i like someone else. I think the person I like is charming, sweet, smart, and funny…. most of the times. It is hard telling someone that you don't like them. Plus it hard telling someone else that you do like them. I'm not sure what to do. If you have an opinion on what i should do, respond at any notice! 🙂

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