You claim I’ve not been there for you, but I’ve been there for you with every breath. You’d lie to yourself, to others or to me about that. You are wrong.
I’ve been devoted to you, entirely faithful, and you make the excuse for destroying anything we might have had that I’m not there for you, not able to talk to you, or didn’t try enough. That’s bullshit and you know it. You are the one who could not remain faithful, not just once, but twice. You are the one who is abandoning what we could have because you aren’t willing to work for a relationship, or because you don’t hold any love. Don’t dare lay blame on me for the things you are destroying.
You claim impossibilities, yet you haven’t even tried. You’re going to someone else for attention, perhaps, or because it’s easy, because you don’t have to work to be with him, just cross the street. If you loved me the way you claim you would not wish to see another and hurt me so and you would not betray me as you keep doing. Love isn’t something you can take off or turn off when you want. It’s coursing through your veins and doesn’t die down. Perhaps you’ve never felt it for me, but in all that’s holy I felt it for you.
You’ve been poisoning my heart with each twist you make. One day you beg me to move to be with you, making the hugest commitment of my life, claiming me you love me so much. Don’t you dare ever question my faithfulness or devotion to you. I was willing to do that before you twisted the knife and betrayed me. Two nights later you were having sex with someone else. That hurt more than I could ever tell you. Not only did you cheat on me once, but you did it twice. Yes, whatever you might claim, it was cheating. You don’t profess love to someone idley, you mean it and commit to it, anything else is false and hollow.
I’ve offered you chances for redemption. I’ve stood by you every time you hurt me, and you still claim I’m not ready or other such bullshit lies. I’ll leave you this last chance to come to your senses. I hope at least you’ll stop destroying your life and shattering my own. It’s not fair to anyone for you to fuck everything up like this.
I’m angry, and I hate to be this way. Nothing else has gotten through to you, though. Not my gentleness, not my devotion, not my life, not my truest love could penetrate the horrible, disgusting change you’ve taken yourself through. I hope and pray that you can find healing somehow, whether it’s with me in your life or not. I love you with all my heart and I always will.
8 comments on “Confessions”
I didn’t see this entry until you mentioned it.
And, now I can’t help but cry everytime I read this post. I never would imagine you would say such words to me or even think it? :'(
I am sorry you feel this poorly about me. I did not just fall idley in love with Jarred. It certainly wasn’t like that. It happened quickly but it wasn’t done intentionally. I know that you and I haven’t been in a relationship for months, so please stop saying I cheated on you. I still had and have to this day feelings for you Apollo that I can’t help, but that doesn’t immediately make me a cheater for actually being with someone I truly care about just like I cared about you. Of course, my feelings for him are different than how I feel about you. I would never sleep with anyone unless I LOVED THEM. I don’t even believe a relationship should be soley based on sex, it does need good REAL communication and affection as well as physical love and attachment. I never got to hang out with you or go out to dinner as I have with Jarred. I enjoy it. But, that is something you can’t give me.
I don’t think Jarred understand how things are supposed to work because he’s never been in a relationship. I admit that him and I went too fast and too soon and for that I am guilty but I did not do those things with him for attention but out of pure love as I had for you. I could never compare what we had with this, obviously, because it was the most wonderful experience of my life. I loved being with you and I will never forget what it was like to kiss you for the first time and the sensational feeling it gave me. :'(
Do you know how hard it is for me to come to realization that I simply cannot to be with you? It hurts. more than I can imagine. Do you know how long it would take to make a relationship like this work? No, it’s not that simple as you and me working together, it involves money, plans, and me holding off on my college education (which will take years, I can’t afford to wait). Not only that I don’t think you would be in the right position to be with me period with your jobless situation. I am sorry I can’t put all my attention on a relationship such as this as I have in the past. It cost me to fail in college and a few times in highschool as all my focus was on you. I am not blaming that on you, but on the relationship itself. I care about you. God, do you know how many hours I’ve spent talking to you online all these years? I love you!
Another point I must make is that a relationship should not rely on only AIM. That’s all we’ve really had for the past 8 months. I can’t stand it. Even when we do talk on the phone you hardly say much — it’s always me on the other line doing the talking.I can’t even fucking see you on webcam not since last November due to the circumstances you are in.
I am not pushing you away. I always want to be close to you, but as a friend for now. I cannot believe the words I am reading in this entry and that you we accuse me of being so cruel as I have not been that way at all. I never want to hurt you and I am sorry you feel this way. I love you more than anything in this world. I hope you know that because it is the truth. I am not lying.
I’m sorry this hurt you Ashley. I was very frustrated and angry, and I needed to say that, to make one last try to get through to you. I really didn’t mean to hurt you, just express how I feel.
I still can’t understand how you could have feelings for Jarred strong enough to destroy what we might have together, but you seem set on doing so. There’s nothing more I can do to persuade you, having tried all I can.
I can’t help how I feel about all you’ve done. I feel betrayed, hurt, and mislead and I feel that you cheated, have been pushing me away and are making a mistake in destroying and giving up on what we could have, and I always will. I can’t change how I see this. It’s the truth as far as I can see, Whether you intended to hurt me or not, you did more than I ever have been hurt.
I do wish you could understand how I feel about this. I have thought about it long and hard, and talked about it with the few people I trust enough, and I keep getting the same answers, so I no longer doubt the conclusions I have made.
I do love you very much Ashley. I don’t ever want to hurt you. Having lived through all this hurt these past two months, I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone, or even a fraction to you. I want you to be happy and safe, and I believe I could help do that better than anyone, but I know you’ve chosen otherwise and I will respect that as much as I can, even though I’ll never agree with it. I do want very much to be your friend since we can’t be more. I love you too much to ever want anything else. It has hurt tremendously, and I’ve felt pushed away lately, so it’s been hard to do that, especially giving up on a romantic relationship with you. I hope you understand that I really do care immensely about you and always will, even though you are hurting me.
I’m sorry this hurt you Ashley. I was very frustrated and angry, and I needed to say that, to make one last try to get through to you. I really didn’t mean to hurt you, just express how I feel.
I still can’t understand how you could have feelings for Jarred strong enough to destroy what we might have together, but you seem set on doing so. There’s nothing more I can do to persuade you, having tried all I can.
I can’t help how I feel about all you’ve done. I feel betrayed, hurt, and mislead and I feel that you cheated, have been pushing me away and are making a mistake in destroying and giving up on what we could have, and I always will. I can’t change how I see this. It’s the truth as far as I can see, Whether you intended to hurt me or not, you did more than I ever have been hurt.
I do wish you could understand how I feel about this. I have thought about it long and hard, and talked about it with the few people I trust enough, and I keep getting the same answers, so I no longer doubt the conclusions I have made.
I do love you very much Ashley. I don’t ever want to hurt you. Having lived through all this hurt these past two months, I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone, or even a fraction to you. I want you to be happy and safe, and I believe I could help do that better than anyone, but I know you’ve chosen otherwise and I will respect that as much as I can, even though I’ll never agree with it. I do want very much to be your friend since we can’t be more. I love you too much to ever want anything else. It has hurt tremendously, and I’ve felt pushed away lately, so it’s been hard to do that, especially giving up on a romantic relationship with you. I hope you understand that I really do care immensely about you and always will, even though you are hurting me.
You talked long and hard and you friends tell me I am horrible and stupid? Great, why don’t you just aggree with them since everything I say is automatically wrong!
You aren’t being fair and quit accusing me of something I never did to you! I have not done anything at all. We have not been in a relationship in a very long time! Can’t you see that?
I chose to be with Jarred because I believe he can offer more than what you can right now. I don’t think you are ready for a relationship and certainly not a long distance relationship. Neither am I. I can’t afford to lose my family’s trust and my own future while sacraficing this much for a relationship that often seems one-sided. You haven’t had a real job in a year. Half the time we don’t even get along when we are discusing things. I am starting to think we have grown apart and have become too different for each other. :'( There is nothing I say that you ever agree on and it almost always ends up in an arguement. Jarred is more committed to a career that would allow a more promising future for himself, that is something I REALLY wanted for you. Seeing as money is a huge issue. He also finished college and I don’t understand why you couldn’t TRY again instead of giving up completely.
I can’t respond anymore to this although I do have more to say I just can’t think clearly to tell you all of it in this little time I have right now. I have been very busy with work. NO not with Jarred, but with work at CVS. I am not pushing you away. I miss talking to you very much. I am just busy and you haven’t been online when I am on.
I have thought about breaking up with Jarred many times, and have even asked him what he thought of it because I told him I knew I loved you still and it just seems impossible to be with out you. He completely understands, but from what I’ve told him that you’ve said about me he thinks it is unfair to make such accusations as you have when I have not been that cruel to you at all. I have been very out of this summer and I admit that, but for you to say
“It’s not fair to anyone for you to fuck everything up like this.”
..that is just really wrong and hurtful. :'(
I love you Apollo.
This comment is probably confusing and doesn’t make much sense but I am too tired to care. I have to sleep.
I wish we could still be together, but I think it is wrong for me to have to break up with him. I do care about him a lot. :'(
You know how I feel about it. I think it would be wrong for you to stay with him if you do still love me. My feelings aside, it’s not fair to him to be with someone who is in love with someone else.
You are not horrible or stupid. You are a wonderful person, you’ve just done things that have hurt me and which I believe were mistakes. Everything you say is not automatically wrong. You are right and wrong just as I have been.
I believe I have been very fair. I know that when I allowed my anger to show in this post it may have been too harsh, though.
I hate how you can say I’m not ready for a relationship. I have been the entire time I’ve known you, and I wish you could have seen that. I have been very patient in this relationship, so please don’t think I could not endure a long distance relationship or be ready for one. My faithfulness and devotion should be proof of this, if nothing else is.
I have never wanted to keep you from building yourself a good life, and have always wanted to help you do that. I’m sorry you feel I’ve kept you from that, but it was never my intent. I have sacrificed just as much for our relationship as you Ashley, so please don’t give me any bullshit about you doing more. I have been absolutely devoted to you and always here for you. Please don’t believe things like that, because they are absolutely not true!
I am working a real job right now. Do you think that 14 hours a day, seven days a week (I get no days off at all!) for at least a month, doing very hard physical labour and sweating in the sun is not real work? Fuck, I’m working damn hard, so don’t you dare say I’m not working.
Yes, we have seemed to grow apart, and I hate that. I don’t believe you can lay all the blame on me, though. I’ve felt pushed away by you very much, and have felt you have not understood or cared about what I was doing to try to be able to see you. I worked damn hard to build a good life, and you weren’t understanding of that, and that hurt me so much to be talking with you and have you be so upset while I was working hard. So much of what we disagreed about was tied up with that, and it really hurt me that you would argue so much with me, when I was doing all I could. I’m sorry if there was more I could have talked with you about. I wish we could communicate more even now, but we don’t have the chance to talk often now, with you not able to be online much, and me working all day, everyday. I hope that can change.
I’m sorry you feel a career is so important that it would override love. I will create a career for myself and return to school in time, but I need to stabalize my life, get a job and save up first. I’ve never given up on anything, and it really hurts that you would think otherwise. I wish you’d understand that. It never seemed you could.
Money is not as important to me as it seems to be to you. I’m sorry, but other than being able to see the people I love, possibly travel and have a few small luxuries like books and music, I don’t need a lot of money. I’d rather live a good life, and that’s what I intend to do. If my love, devotion and life aren’t enough for you, I’m sorry, you’ll need to be with someone who cares more for wealth and status than love and compassion. I’m not that sort of man.
I’m sorry you felt hurt by what I said. I still believe you are making a mistake, though, and you did things that felt extremely cruel to me (whether you intended it or not, you have hurt me more than I have ever been hurt). I can’t help it. I feel deep down that you are destroying something that could be wonderful for both of us.